When Should You Get Involved?
I once spent several uncomfortable minutes in a grocery store watching a young mother with her young child. The woman was nicely dressed, probably in her middle twenties. She had two children with her, a little girl of perhaps three or four, and another little girl probably a couple of years older. The woman was kneeling with her face almost touching the smallest girl’s face, and she was threatening the child with the punishment she was going to receive once they left the store. The little girl stood there with her head down and tears rolling silently down her face. The other child seemed unaffected by the mother’s anger.
There was something so strange about the intensity of the woman’s anger and the hopeless attitude of the little girl… AND the way the woman then continued shopping as though nothing had happened. Both little girls stayed close to their mother, not touching anything and not talking. Suddenly the mother turned on the smallest child, grabbed her by the arms, and started yelling at her again, telling her what a bad girl she was and how she was going to be punished for what she had just done, even though as far as I could tell the child had done nothing. With each new threat an expression of pain passed over the little girl’s face. I think the mother might have been squeezing her arms, but it was impossible to be sure.
By this time I was convinced that something was seriously wrong with the mother. Another shopper came up to me and asked if I knew what was going on. We both felt that we needed to intervene in some way. And then suddenly the mother had stopped shouting and was shopping normally again. We continued to watch the woman and child, and we had almost convinced ourselves that we had overreacted to the previous incidents, when suddenly the woman was once again screaming… and once again as far as we could see the little girl had done nothing.
It was a great relief to both of us when just at this moment a policeman appeared. He went directly to the woman and told her to be quiet and that he needed to talk to her outside. We found out later that the screaming incidents had been going on in the store for some time, and one of the clerks had called the police. We all watched the policeman take the woman to her car and we could see them talking and the woman crying. Obviously whatever she told him convinced the policeman because eventually she drove away, and after a few minutes he did too. I hope that all the woman needed was a warning and that someone official will be checking regularly to see that this little girl is OK.
This incident has left me with a big question. When should you get involved? The abuse didn’t seem to be physical, but we both felt it WAS abuse. If the policeman had not already been called, would we have had the courage to question this mother’s actions to her face?
And by doing so, would we have made things worse for this little girl?
... I appreciate your support.
Comments
Comment by Kacie:
Yeesh. This is a sticky situation. I don’t have kids (yet), and my perspective might change when I’m a mother.
By the way you described the children’s’ behavior, it sounds like this is pretty typical of their mom. Scary.
One thing I might do is say something lighthearted to the mom, like “Hi.” If you wanted to be a little daring, maybe say “Looks like somebody needs a nap,” actually referring to the mother.
If she realizes that other people are watching her, maybe she’ll shape up. Then again, once they leave the store, God only knows what will happen.
Comment by Kacie:
Plus, I wanted to mention that this little girl should know that her mother’s behavior is not OK and not normal.
If she believes she’s always in the wrong, and that the way her mother handles it is acceptable, then she’s likely to grow up repeating this terrible behavior to her own children.
Comment by Anonymous:
I’m probably going to be flamed for this, but I wouldn’t intervene. We have no idea what is going on in other people’s lives. Maybe this woman was having a really awful day and this behaviour was out of character. I don’t think calling the police will help. Unless you see actual abuse, I don’t think you should report the mother.
Comment by Kathy in WA:
Wow, what a difficult thing to witness. Could you have asked the woman if she felt okay? Unfortunately she sounds mentally unstable. Those poor little ones. I agree with you, I certainly hope there is someone in their lives that is keeping a watch over them.
Good, thought-provoking questions.
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Comment by Clemntine:
Decide right now to be the person who prays every. single. day. for that mother and her children. Speak God’s Word into that situation.
For future reference, when your gut tells you that something isn’t okay, speak up with compassion and conviction. In your situation, something as simple as complimenting on the darling girls or asking a question (”have you seen the roquefort cheese? I think they used to carry it here.”) might be enough to defuse the tension. If you are truly concerned about the children’s future safety, get the tag number of the car they leave in and make a police report. They have to check out ALL reports of suspected abuse.
Comment by Marcia:
Hmm, I’m also not a mom (yet) but it sounds like that is typical behaviour for that mom.
I’m very outspoken so I would have said something but directly to the girl, “what’s wrong?” and if the mom said nothing, I’d say, “but she looks distraught and I can’t see that she’s doing anything wrong”.
And then she’d probably slap me! But that’s still what I’d do.
I have this problem in that I can’t keep quiet when there’s injustice around me :)
Comment by Melissa:
It is a tough question. And I don’t think there is one stock answer. In a situation like this, I think intervention is necessary. You didn’t see the child doing anything wrong, the mother was obviously stressed about something. I have read you can always approach the mom with a line like…you know somedays my kids make me feel more tense or something like that. There may simply have been something going on in her life (like her husband just walked out on her) and an approach may have given her the adult shoulder she needed. Her response to you would also give you more information about what your next step should be.
Comment by Milehimama:
It’s a tough call, but if your gut tells you something is going on, you should act on it, even if it is only to alert the store manager.
You don’t even know if that woman was the girl’s mother – she could have been a sitter, an aunt, even a kidnapper. I doubt that is the case, but as mothers we instinctively recognize when somebody is NOT mothering or does not have a Mothering heart.
You could also talk to mother in a compassionate way. For example, the book “She’s Gonna Blow! Moms Deal with Anger” was very helpful for me. So I might mention in a non-threatening way that my kids always seemed to be able to push my buttons too, but this helped me.
Something else that might help if all else fails is to try to give the Mom a heart for her children. Perhaps you could say “I couldn’t help but notice how quiet your girls are in the store. They are being very good girls!” and then perhaps talk to the children to encourage them (any positive adult interaction could help them).
You might like a book by Gavin DeBecker called “Protecting the Gift” about keeping kids safe. It’s excellent.
Comment by sarah o.:
I just recently went to a meeting about preventing child abuse. Something the speaker said was to get involved in those type of situations. He said just by offering to help with their cart, or saying you remember those days with little ones can make the person realize that people are watching their actions and that help is available. So, I would say to get involved. In a nice way. Just by commenting on how tricky it is to be a parent isn’t condemning their actions, and helps them realize you know how it is.
The man talked about two instances where people didn’t speak up and children died. All the neighbors afterwards said they thought stuff was going on, but NOT ONE of them had spoken up about it. Even saying to the parent, “hey do you need a night off?” let’s them know, again, that you notice what is going on. Maybe they would open up and tell you what is happening in their lives.
I don’t feel comfortable calling CPS on someone, but maybe if I told them I was concerned about their kids and was considering calling CPS.
So, again, my opinion is to get involved.
Comment by Kristie:
I would be hesitant to intervene because I would wonder if the mother would take it out on the little girl after she had left the store. I agree, it does sound like something bad was happening, but I think intervening might make it worse. It is so hard to tell. I can see why you were glad that the decision of what to do was already made for you by the store clerk.
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Comment by Hollie:
First I have to say what you witnessed is abuse..You may not of witnessed the phuiscal abuse of a child but you did witness the verbal abuse of one and that will break a child more then a quick tap on the butt. I know this from first hand experience.
As a child I had a mom who was very verbally abusve, and who had mental health issues. She should NOT of had custody of us. A child who is yelled at on a daily basis will lose self esteem, will lose the will to live, will lose so much of what they could of been.
What do I wish happened when I was younger? That someone spoke up loud and clear. That when someone got that “gut” feeling they did something, anything.
Now as someone who didnt know she was abused for years till I managed to get to university and learned there that my home wasnt reality for most. I have learned how to act on my “gut” to help. If that radar goes off please as a once child do something. If you know who the parent is then make that call. If you are out in public like this alert management.
We truely are a global village and there might be a child who needs to know there are adults who really do care.
Comment by Melanie:
This is an issue so very dear to my heart. I am brought to tears as I read this. The Lord intervened in this situation.
ALWAYS go with your gut. No matter what others say, you have to do something. Never assume you are overreacting. Most of the time others feel the way you do. I have been in a similar situation where I asked the store to call police. Reluctantly, they did so. Turns out the family had a history.
Never feel bad for sticking up for a child. You may be the only one who does. It may be awkward, but you can walk away knowing you did it for the right reasons. Remember, it isn’t You against The Mother. She may need help, too.
Comment by Marie:
You’ve got to be careful with stuff like this, there could be things going on you know nothing about. It’s very hard to make a judgment when you’ve only observed someone for a few minutes of their life. This situation sounds a little extreme and like intervention was warranted, but I would hate for someone to use situations like this as an excuse to judge any parent that finds it necessary to discipline their child in public.
IMO the best way to approach the situation would be to ask the mother if she is alright, if there is anything you can do to help her. She could be suffering from PPD, or there could be something going on in her life that she doesn’t know how to handle. Something as simple as being kind to her can make a very big difference and turn things around in a more positive manner.
Comment by SAHMmy Says:
That situation seems to have gone above and beyond normal motherly impatience. Hopefully her brush with the law will remind her to keep calm from here on out–in the stores and at home. I have to say, though–I’ve often lost my patience with my son in a store, and only one time has anyone confronted me. I was at my wit’s end and asked my son, “What’s wrong with you?” An elderly lady answered, “Nothing, Honey–he’s just little!” I was so thankful that there was a wiser, calmer, helpful person there to remind me to parent gently. So my answer to your question is, step in not only if you think you’re witnessing abuse, as in your example, but also if you can see that it’s a simple case of impatience. I would certainly appreciate being kindly reprimanded.
Comment by candy:
well i was out eating with my 3 kids and my daughter would not stop screaming. play screaming but screaming so i poped her mouth not hard but enough for her to know i meant for her to stop well she got mad and when she put her head down to cry she missed her arms and slammed her head on the table. her nose was bleeding. and at that moment some lady decided i had abused my child and caused a huge sence. so i was mad and things got bad. so when i see soemthing i remember that and think wow did i really see everything? so i am careful before i say anything.
Comment by Melonie (Momma & More):
I agree with several other commenters who mentioned that there may have been something behind the scenes – especially the parenthetical about “her husband may have walked out on her”. My ex-husband did exactly this, several TIMES, and I’m sure I wasn’t the calmest person to deal with. I tried to keep things under control with my daughter, as I do have a parent who was physically abusive – but not everyone is even aware they are “losing it” on their kids. Sounds like this woman had some mental issues or a serious case of stressed out-itis. It’s possible even that her daughter had been making her nuts all morning long and did that *one last thing* and Mom just couldn’t shut up about it, or let it go. (I’ve had that happen too, unfortunately.)
If it were me I’d have asked the other customer to approach the woman *with* me, and I’d have calmly as possible told her that we had both seen several scenes between her and her daughter – and that it seemed like she could use a hand with the shopping. Perhaps the three of us could do the aisles together and help each other out?
One more thought that comes to mind with the mom’s mental health is schizophrenia. I wonder if she *thought*, truly believed, that her daughter was doing something she shouldn’t have been? If this is a common issue in that family, we’ll never know – but the daughter would know, and would know that arguing she’d done nothing would get her nowhere but further in trouble. Hmmm.
It could well be that said policeman had a talk with Mom and found out the kids are driving her bonkers, or her hubby left her, or she lost her job, or whatever. All we can do is hope and pray – and maybe remind each other to band together and help if necessary.
Comment by Kim:
Once upon a time, I was that little girl. Please, do not personally intervene, it will only be worse for the child once they get home. Having to look forward to being punished for something you did not do is bad enough, but when you are then accused of appealing for help and drawing attention to yourself, the punishment is that much worse.
Call the police, let the professionals handle it. Although my experience with that was much the same as in the above story. Mother talked her way out of it time and again and nothing changed.
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